The Greg Carber Video Show, Episode Dos: “I Need a Pencil!”

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This was seriously one of my biggest stressers in elementary school, moreso even than the crushing peer pressure to smoke cigarettes.

Written by Greg Karber

August 31, 2011 at 3:09 am

Posted in Ramble

The Greg Karber Video Show, Episode Uno: “How to Deal with an Annoying Roommate”

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Episode One of the Series that Changed Humanity™. If you put that TM on things, it means that it’s a trade-mark, a phrase the government says no one can use in the same way that you use it, but it might as well mean “totally made up” because motherfucking Red Bull does not give you wings.

Anyway, this is episode one.

Written by Greg Karber

August 30, 2011 at 3:45 am

An Address from the CEO of Poop, Inc. on the Proposed Name Change

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“Listen, I’m a busy man, and that business is our business, the business, Poop, Inc., so when I have to take time out of my busy business schedule to talk — not about business business — but about the business of running a business, that’s less business business that I can get to. That means less productivity, lowered efficiency, and increased marginal cost. That translates to higher costs for our customers, the loyal patrons of Poop, Inc.

“Now, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t hear it: yes, our company’s name does sound — to certain, uncultured ears — irresistibly close to a playground synonym for fecal matter, otherwise known as doo-doo caca. But if we bow to the pressure of the morons, the uneducated, the lowest-common-denominator, then we’ll be no better than those we are trying to appease.

“Look, my great-grandfather, Ernest T. Poop, founded this company before it meant that. In his days, a man was known as a Poop if he professed uncanny financial acumen. That’s one of the reasons he Christened the company Poop, Inc. The other, of course, was that it was his last name and he wanted his name on the sign. Who wouldn’t?

“So, what you’re telling me, is that we need to strip my great-grandfather’s reputation away from him. And replace it with what? What name changes have you so-far suggested? Shitstorm, LTD. That’s pretty good, I’ll admit. It conjures up images of us navigating through a storm to safe harbor. I like it, but it lacks the punch. Jerk-Offs, Unlimited. Yeah, that one’s nice, too: we jerk-off all the obstacles in our way. I’m also a fan of Shark Vagina, though I can’t see what it has to do with our mission statement, which is to deliver quality manure to anyone who wants it. Oh — no, wait — this one is nice. All right, yeah, I can go with this. You guys win, all right? I’ll admit I was wrong.

“From now on, we will be known as Penises-a-Plenty. Jerry, get to work on the sign.”

Written by Greg Karber

July 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Posted in Breaking News

“I saw a dead opossum today.”

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“Really? Are you sure it wasn’t playing opossum?”

“No, I’m pretty sure it was a real opossum.”

Written by Greg Karber

July 25, 2011 at 11:21 am

Posted in Short Story

An Ethical Dilemma

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A friend of mine has a Star Trek-style transporter and I go through it, but what he doesn’t tell me is that it’s not transferring my body, it’s creating an exact copy at the teleportation destination.

So, for one of me, the experience is that I step into the machine, hear a buzz, and then find myself half-way across the country at a Star Trek convention I wanted to attend. For the other me, I step into the machine, hear a buzz, and then nothing happens. I’m like, “Is it broken?” but it’s not broken. It’s behaving exactly as it was designed.

My friend reveals this and then explains that — sadly and somewhat inexplicably — due to a quirk in the machine’s futuristic technology, if one of us is not dead in a month, we both die from Duplicity, which is the name my friend has decided to give the horribly painful death a victim of Duplicity experiences.

My friend then gives me a Star Trek-style phaser and tells me that since I’m not going to be able to see that Star Trek convention (and also because, having talked to me and not the other me, he likes me more), he’s going to give me a head start and a marked advantage: I’m the only one who’s being told about the stakes. The other me is completely in the dark. So, if I so choose, I can run up and shoot my other self in the back.

Now, keep in mind: up until the moment of teleportation, we are both completely identical; the only differences now are our experiences post teleportation. We both remember the same childhood, we have the same memory of busting our lip open in pitching machine baseball when the ball bounced out of our gloves, we both lusted after Chelsea Scroggins in junior high but never worked up the courage to ask her out, we both were editors of our high school paper and stoners in college. In short, we are each other, but for the last few moments of our lives.

Now, for the moral quandary:

Is it all right to sleep with myself before I kill me? (You know, just to see what it’s like. No homo.)

Written by Greg Karber

July 17, 2011 at 9:24 pm

The Things for this Week

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Here is some stuff that I found this week. Mostly on Reddit, but also through Facebook, and just random bits and pieces of the Internet Diaspora. Think of my blog as a content-aggregator aggregator with an extreme Gregist slant.

First, a teaser trailer for a horror-comedy my friend Lauren Sweeney wrote. (I’ve seen it, it’s awesome!)

Will Ferrell as President Bush announcing he’s successfully overseen the killing of a gopher that’s been terrorizing his lawn. This was up shortly after Osama was killed, but I missed it. Now you won’t.

The IMDb plot summary of the French film La Moustache. Extra bonus points because the film is a Netflix Instant Watch.

Aziz Ansari debuts his version of the Parks and Recreation opening credits. And a bonus link to the rap by itself. And then a video of Leslie Knope rapping to Will Smith’s “Parents Just Don’t Understand” followed by a fantastic Ron Swanson punchline. If you’re not watching P&R, you’re missing out ON LIFE.

More rap: Spose singing “I’m Awesome.” It contains such lines like: “See my neck, not icy / Eating at McDonald’s cause Subway is pricey” and “Put your hands up if you have nightmares.”

Penny Wong meowed at by an Australian politician. She calls it “schoolyard politics,” but it’s even worse than that.

And finally but certainly not leastily, this fucking badass picture of Joe Cool.

Written by Greg Karber

June 27, 2011 at 11:55 am

Posted in Links

The New Rules

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Here are the new rules, ladies and gentlemen. Now, keep in mind: the old rules stay in effect unless they are specifically overruled by the new rules here. We’re not crazy. Many of the old rules — “Don’t run while carrying scissors” — are perfectly okay to stay.

1. No more itchy T-shirt tags. All T-shirt companies are to remove their tags immediately, replacing them with ink printed directly on the T-shirt in order to prevent itchiness. While tagless shirts are currently available, the feature is usually only present in the more expensive brands. It’s time that America woke up and realized that it’s unconscionable for a first-world country to let its poor have itchy necks.

2. Dancing is forbidden. This is not for moral reasons but because this Institution (heretofore referred to as the iBlogopedia) has accepted advertising money from MTV Films and Paramount Pictures to promote their remake of Footloose and this seemed like a great marketing move. Footlose: Now with less Bacon.*

3. Everybody Gets $5! You heard us: everyone. Seniors, blue-collar workers, babies, everyone. Even dead people and fictional characters: the government will cut the checks, and you can do whatever you want with it! People say, “My family is starving. What the fuck am I going to do with $5?” Well, we recommend you spend it on sandwiches (mostly because of the Quizno’s ad money we’re also getting).

4. The word “apple” is now a highly-offensive slang term. It’s so offensive that we’re not able to tell you what it means without violating obscenity and incitement-to-violence laws. We can give you a hint, though: it’s an extremely religious reference to poop sex, hitting the profanity trifecta (excrement, sexuality, religion).

5. Every year, the poorest person in the world and the richest one fight to the death in an electrified cage.

6. We’re getting rid of the number 6. From now on, 7 minus 1 equals 5. 2 times 3 is undefined. We’ll work out the kinks later, but this part is going into effect immediately. Bakers take note: selling a half-dozen of anything is now illegal. This rule takes effect after this list is over.

7. Everybody has a theme song. If you cannot afford to have a theme song written for you, one will be assigned.

8. The optimal strategy to Tic-Tac-Toe will be explained to all children, thereby ending the game and destroying the fun of youth. Here’s what you do: go first, and put your X in the corner. If they go anywhere but the middle, it’s a guaranteed win. If they go in the middle, put your next X in the opposite corner. They can Cat’s Game it by putting an O in a side-square, but for some reason, people like to put their O in the corner, which actually forces you into the final corner, which splits them and wins the game for you. (Have fun crushing your friends, iBlogopedia readers! And if you like that fact, subscribe in the upper right hand corner for lots more!)

*This is not a good thing.

Written by Greg Karber

June 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Posted in Ramble

Balloons for Sale!

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Balloons for sale! Balloons for sale! All different sizes and shapes. Rubber, metallic, paper. I’ve got em all. All sorts of colors. Red, blue, cerise, cerulean, cream. And all different shapes: spheres and obloids and hobloids and tubulars, giraffes and monkeys, and a Luxury Class Ron Paul balloons because that’s an iconic balloon-shape that appeals to a high-income demographic. All lengths of string: we’ve got a fifty-foot length, a ten-foot length, and all rational and irrationally numbered lengths in-between. No complex-numbered lengths, though, because that’s ridiculous. However, complex numbers were used in the development of the Ron Paul balloon, which was a tricky balloon to craft. I don’t want to exaggerate, but we did some really groundbreaking mathematics in the design of those things. Cost a lot of money, too. But like I said: high-income demographic. You see, we got all prices of balloons. Cheap balloons: they go for a nickel a ballon, but they explode randomly and — when they do — they release a mildly toxic poison that’s harmless to you and your children but will give you children’s great-grandchildren Ballsia, which is a disease that causes testicles to grow on the forehead, but who cares about your children’s great-grandchildren? They won’t be born until you’re long dead! Anyway, if you can afford to pay a little more, I can get you a completely safe, FDA-approved non-toxic balloon guaranteed never to explode or release any kind of toxic gas. Balloons for sale!

Written by Greg Karber

June 23, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Three Things I Like About Folding Chairs, and One I Don’t

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1. Collapsibility allows for ease of transportation.

2. Durable, all-weather construction is suitable for both indoor and outdoor needs.

3. If you put your ass in them, they hold you in a sitting position.

4. Aesthetically, they’re not so great.

Written by Greg Karber

June 22, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Posted in Ramble

A Brief Dialogue Between Two Unnamed Supreme Court Justices

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JUSTICE #1: Hey, can you give me the run-down?

JUSTICE #2: Where have you been?

JUSTICE #1: I had to go to lunch with the mistress.

JUSTICE #2: Oh, all right. All right. Here’s how it goes: on the one side, we’ve got the People. Innocent. Caring. Rubes. And on the other side–

JUSTICE #1: I know who it’s between. How much have we been offered?

JUSTICE #2: Well, I’ve been offered a summer estate.

JUSTICE #1: An entire estate?

JUSTICE #2: Well, it’s a time-share. Two weeks every fourteen years. They’re also getting a chauffeur to drive me to get late-night fast food three times over the next couple months. Additionally, I’ve been given a pretty hefty coupon book.

JUSTICE #1: Good deals?

JUSTICE #2: Some of the best. Look at this: 10% off plus a free Large Soda with any purchase exceeding five-hundred dollars.

JUSTICE #1: Not bad. Not bad. Just make sure Thomas doesn’t put any of his pubes on it.

JUSTICE #2: Ha! Good one.

JUSTICE #1: What else?

JUSTICE #2: Now, again, this is just my package. I can’t speak for yours, but I’m also getting a large cubic zirconium ring that I’ll totally be able to pass off to my mistress as real. Plus, I’m getting a full Park Hopper pass to Disneyland. That includes Disneyland and the California Adventure. I really want to go on Soarin‘. I’ve heard great things. Let’s see, what else? Oh, a complete box set of The Lord of the Rings

JUSTICE #1: Extended Edition?

JUSTICE #2: No, it’s a whole new edition! It’s even longer, and way more expensive. It’s nice. Also, they’re going to give me this new breed of dog that never goes to the bathroom and doesn’t need to eat. Some sort of genetic engineering or something. I don’t know how they did it, but I’ve seen them before, and they’re amazing. They don’t smell, either.

JUSTICE #1: Wow. And what are the People offering?

JUSTICE #2: Oh, the usual: A sense of decency, good will, being able to sleep at night.

JUSTICE #1: Well, that’s worth something, too, isn’t it?

[For a moment, they pause; then they erupt into uncontrollable hysterics.]

Written by Greg Karber

June 20, 2011 at 3:11 pm