Veronica? (Doubt it.)

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The Archie Comics publishemporium apparently has worse spoiler control than that Wolverine movie, because everyone this side of the Prime Meridian now knows that Archie is going to propose to Veronica this September, ending one of the longest running and most famous love triangles in comics history (though it still falls well short of the near eighty year drama that is Superman/Clark Kent/Lois Lane, or the less well known (but steamier) triangle between Kent, Lane, and Jimmy Olsen).

The leak was apparently sprung on Veronica’s blog, which built up to the release with the following awesomely preposterous post:

I just heard Archie is getting married. He had better be asking me!

Yes, that’s right. “I just heard Archie is getting married. He had better be asking me!” Now, you might think that’s pretty blatantly self-serving, but check out the comment she made just a few days later:
I am so excited, I am getting Married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty wants to be my Maid of Honor? I bet she is so happy for me!

Really, Veronica? Just a couple days ago you were posting veiled threats to the blogosphere if he didn’t choose you over Betty (Who’s he gonna pick, Cheryl? Don’t make me laugh.), and now you want to be best buddies again? Fat chance. Your maid of honor is gonna have to be Midge.

The six comments (as of now) that are on Ron’s blog are amazing. Here are some of my favorites. Maureen says:

Does Betty look happy? No! She’s sad! I don’t know whether Betty will be your maid of honor. I thought Archie was gonna marry her!

Hardcore Ron fan Kels takes a different approach:

i cannot BELIEVE you would want to marry a klutz like Archie! He’s such a nerdy little twit, WAY to low-key for someone as rich and beautiful as you! Sure, you think he’s cute-but that’s it! You think he’s CUTE. Too shallow for someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. Why don’t you find someone rich and HOT, not poor and cute! Leave Archie to that Betty Crocker.

Damn, someone must really love Veronica to think that Archie’s too good for her. Unless … unless that’s Veronica’s dad, Mr. Lodge. His hatred for Archie is infamous, and perhaps he is hoping to capitalize on Veronica’s rampant ego and hardcore jealousy issues (both of which stem from her own insecurity–the same insecurity that sometimes causes her to date obvious conniver Reggie Mantle, who everyone knows gave Mina Lee herpes).

The next one is from Sia, who says:

oh no!
i mean congrats but….this is sure to ruin archie comics for ever!
you and betty will never talk again and archie and betty will never talk again….
this is aweful….
cant wait to read it!

Which is about how I feel.

(BTW, Betty is definitely not happy, according to her blog. In fact, she’s the saddest girl in the world. and that sleazeball Reggie Mantle sees this as just another opportunity for him to infect someone with herpes.)


Written by Greg Karber

May 30, 2009 at 9:34 am

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