iBlogopedia

10 Super Easy Ways to Dramatically Increase Your Twitter Followers

leave a comment »

This is the Twitter logo which I'm using to spice up the page!I know what you’re looking for. You want to get thousands of Twitter followers easy with no sweat. Plenty of guides online offer instructions on how to do this, but all of them suck. Why? Because they expect you to do actual work, like constantly @replying people and contributing to conversations. But why would you want to do that stuff? What you really want is thousands of sycophants eagerly awaiting your every 28 words, and the first step to that is to get thousands of potential sychophants, or, in Tweet-speak, followers.

This guide tells you how to do that with absolutely no effort, and it’s provided to anyone who is willing to pay $29.99 for my self-published book on the topic!

No, I’m just kidding. I don’t have a self-published book on the topic (yet, I’m still working out the details with iUniverse: get this, they want me to pay them!). Instead, I’m providing this to you at absolutely no cost, just because I’m a super nice guy who cares about others more than himself, sometimes to a detrimental effect (for example, I’ve spent so much time working on this guide that I haven’t had time to shower in weeks: good thing Biz Stone hasn’t yet perfected that smell-through-the-internet app!)

So with no further adieu, I give you 10 Super Easy Ways to Drastically Increase Your Twitter Followers.

1. Post all the time.

Update constantly. Now, I know some of your are saying “But you said it wouldn’t be hard!” And it won’t be, because you don’t need to put any time or effort into your tweets as long as you tweet nonstop. At work? Tweet it. In class? Tweet it. Taking a test? Tweet the hard questions . (Maybe someone will even @reply you the answers! Twitter is helping people all around the world: just look at Iran’s current electoral process: entirely reformed!)

Tweet when you eat, tweet when you sleep, tweet when you’re watching a movie (even if you’re in the theater: ignore those dumb PSAs about turning off your phones, those are for the techno-newbs who haven’t discovered their “vibrate” setting), when you’re at a concert, having sex, delivering a child, voting, testifying in court, dancing at the club (act like it’s a new move: tweet about how you’re acting like it’s a new move!), taking a picture, posing for a picture, having your appendix removed, removing someone’s appendix (doctor’s only, please: I wouldn’t want to encourage irresponsible behavior), giving a speech, or reading a book.

And absolutely never forget to tweet when you poop (and always remember to hashtag it #poop).

2. Follow Everyone.

Sometimes, when you follow someone, they follow you back. Use this to your advantage. Even if only one out of twenty people you follow follow you back, following 100,000 people would result in you gaining 5,000 followers!

Now, some people probably won’t want to follow you back if you’re just following people blindly. They’ll look at your Following/Follower ratio and decide you’re a robot (more on this later) or a spammer (more on this later, as well) and they won’t want to be your follower because you’ll just fill up their home page with garbage.

Don’t worry about these people! They don’t know anything about social networking! Many of them may even have less than a thousand followers! These are the people at the bottom of the Twitter pyramid, and you don’t want to associate with them, lest they sully your social supremacy.

3. Be famous.

This helps a lot. Dozens of people are funnier and more charming than Ashton Kutchner, but no one has more followers.

One of Oprah’s most recent tweets is “Just saw Nelson Mandela who looks fantastic at 91, still telling jokes,” which to me, sounds like she’s confusing the former President of South Africa Nelson Mandella with professional comedian (and Deal or No Deal host) Howie Mandel. I know their names are similar, O, but that’s no excuse.

Nevertheless, despite this complete lapse of editorial integrity, Oprah enjoys astounding levels of Twitter popularity. At last count, she had twenty-three quadrillion followers: several times the population of the Earth.

Clearly, being famous can help you. But not everyone can be famous (some people are ugly), which brings me to Number Four:

4. Be a robot.

And I–and I must stress this next part–do NOT mean this metaphorically. Be an actual, real-life, metal robot.

Not only could this potentially aid your quest for fame (just look at R2-D2, Wall-E, and Keanu Reeves), it will also help you post non-stop, as per tip no. 1. You’re probably going to be tempted to tweet about the typical stuff Twitter robots tweet about: real estate scams, enlarging people’s penises (penii?), and MLM marketing. Resist this!

The trick is to develop your own voice, to find uniquely robotic things to blog about, such as how frustrating it is to find batteries that fit, chairs that can support your weight, or employers who won’t judge you for your metalness. Also, I’m sure it’s painful and humiliating when people shout “HEY, TIN CAN!” at you when they drive by: tweet about it and use this pain and humiliation for the worthwhile cause of boosting your follower count.

5. Leave them wanting more.

Because no matter how interesting your tweets are, people don’t follow you because you’ve BEEN funny, useful, interesting, entertaining, political, provacative, or generous, but because they think you WILL BE funny, useful, interesting, entertaining, political, provacative, or generous at some point in the future.

So, that’s why I recommend that instead of using your full 140 character limit, you limit your posts to 70 characters. 140 characters is just too wordy, and newsflash!, people don’t like reading. If they liked to read, they wouldn’t have joined Twitter in the first place: they’d be reading novels, or at least blogs.

Cutting your tweets in half makes them more powerful: each character is now doing the work of 2! For an illustration of how dramatically this will improve your tweets (and will thus lead to additional followers), consider the following tweet, first in its contracted 70-character form:

My rent’s due, but I’m totally broke, so I’ll have to blow my landlord

Wow! That’s riveting. The forbidden sexuality really draws the reader in, and they’ll certainly click that Follow button because they’ll be dying to know how your brush with prostitution turns out.

However, if you’d posted it in the original 140-character format:

My rent’s due, but I’m totally broke, so I’ll have to blow my landlord some kisses and hope that he gives me an extension! Wish me luck!!!!!

Completely uninteresting! So boring that if I saw that on my homepage I would unfollow the person and message all my friends to do the same. You see how much value was added simply by shortening your message? (Though I will admit: those five exclamation points are nice.)

And that brings me to the end of my post. Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you crying, “Hey, Greg, I thought you said that there’d be ten easy ways to drastically increase my Twitter followers,” so you guys are obviously not even paying attention. Tip 5, people! Leave the audience wanting more. So if you want to read the next five, just follow me on Twitter, and I’ll update you when I post them.

Remember when I said that I was a nice guy who does so much for others with no expectation of anything in return? Wouldn’t it be nice to reward such generosity with a Follow?

And even if you don’t (you lazy no-good son of a bee), I still thank you reading. Happy tweeting, everybody!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: