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5 Easy Tips to Get Your Site Listed First on Google

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Unfortunately, wanton use of sexual imagery wont affect the Google SearchBots, which have been programmed to be hollow

Unfortunately, wanton use of sexual imagery won't affect the Google SearchBots, which have been programmed to be hollow, emotionless automatons.

A lot of people claim to be SEM (search engine marketing) experts these days. Unfortunately, nobody is really that good at it. The proof is that if you’re looking for a company to help you optimize your website for search engines, you’ll probably type in “search engine optimization” to Google. The first result is Wikipedia, a website that is decidedly not a commercial search engine optimizer. The second is Google, which makes sense since they’re the only ones who know the secret formula of seven digital herbs and electronic spices that organizes their results.

That’s where this guide comes in. I’m here to quickly inform you all how to pull your websites from the 52th page to the top of the first. All you have to remember is: it’s not about having good content.

1. EVERY WORD SHOULD BE A TAG.

When search engines such as Google and Bing and whoever Jeeves is working for now that he got fired from AskJeeves and they took his name off the sign visit your website, they read your post. Now, computers aren’t that smart, so sometimes they’ll read your post and they’ll get all the way to end and not have a clue what it was about. (This is, of course, all metaphorical: the actual process is far too technical to print here, i.e. I don’t understand it.)

So, how do you help the computer understand? You summarize your post using “tags.” Tags are little links at the bottom of a post that, if clicked, take the search engine to a page showing the other posts that also have that tag, so that the search engine can become generally educated on the whole topic in question. Not only that, but if someone searches for “peanut butter and ham” (or anything, really), sites that have tagged the phrase “peanut butter and ham” will come up before sites that just have the word written there.

That’s why you need to tag every word. For one, this will create a superdense network of connections within your blog, like a spiderweb, which the search engine robots will then get stuck in, travelling from one post to another, following links for all of time. This will drastically improve your search result priority. Additionally, it’s a nice service for your readers: sometimes I want to look up all the other articles with the words “for” or “the” in them, and lazy bloggers never take the time to make them tags.

2. CREATE ANOTHER BLOG THAT DOES NOTHING BUT LINK TO YOUR FIRST BLOG.

This is a must-do. Based on the link logic of the previous tip, the only thing better than intra-linking your whole blog is inter-linking it with another one. And the easiest way to get another blog to link to you is to create it yourself.

Fortunately, Blogger, WordPress, Xanga, and a variety of other free services make this easy. All you need to do is create the blog, create five or six pages that just summarize articles and link back to your first blog. If you’re really feeling like a hard worker, then you should create four or five fake blogs and then link them all back to your first one. The truly industrious will get a robot to do all of this for them.

3. SOCIAL MEDIA, SOCIAL MEDIA, SOCIAL MEDIA!

Twitter is a big deal, in case you haven’t heard. (It’s a well-guarded secret that few ever discuss.) It’s the reason that they are now doing a full recount in Iran–we couldn’t even get one of those in America!–and the Ayatollah has stepped down, saying, “Under the weight of these tweets, we have no choice but to grant freedom to our citizens, and also, now, the women can wear whatever they want, and I’m gonna be honest, I’m looking forward to those bikinis, have you guys heard of these? Two-piece bathing suits! Wow.”

And Twitter isn’t the only social networking site out there. There’s also Facebook (it’s best if you’re in college) or MySpace (it’s best if you’re about six years behind the curve).

All of them have two things in common: (1) you enjoy them the most if you love yourself, and (2) they’re the key to pushing your website to number one Google. Why? Because hundreds of billions of people [Editor’s Note: This number is only remotely accurate if you include spambots posing as people.] visit these sites every day. You need to have two or three accounts on Twitter, a group or five on Facebook, a MySpace page, etc. Twitter is especially nice, as the 140-character limit means you never have to do more work than writing a single sentence.

But don’t limit yourself to those few: keep Googling “social network” every couple hours or so, and whenever a new site gets started, create an account and use it for nothing but whoring your website.

Pretty soon, the combined force of all those links pointing to your one website will force Google to recognize you as the pre-eminent source for whatever it is you’re peddling, be it large-sized bonnets for obese babies or some new tech company.

(Also, if you happen to be on Twitter, @gregkarber your tweets and I’ll be sure to RT them as long as they’re links to my website or something I find funny or interesting or if you pay me $50 (see Tip 5).)

4. REPEATING THE SAME WORD OVER AND OVER.

This is a tip from the classic days of the Internet, back when the number of times you used a word was the single factor for ordering search results. This is why early drafts of my website were nothing but the words sex, mp3, sex, and sex. I also would publish a page every now and then that was just a huge list of all the celebrities that had recently died, especially if it involved lurid circumstances.

This increases your chances of being a high result on some of the most searched for terms, and that should really be a priority: don’t focus on getting to the top on the one search term most important to you, because how many people search for “plus-sized baby bonnets”? Instead, you should try to get relatively high in the results for as many different search terms as possible. For example, when I had a website that sold novelty Christmas plates that depicted the baby Jesus break-dancing, I could have dedicated all my efforts to being listed first for the search “baby Jesus break-dancing on novelty Christmas plates,” but who searches for that? Instead, my site came back third for the phrase “novelty Christmas,” second for “break-dancing on novelty,” and the fifth page for “baby Jesus break-dancing.”

Needless to say, the plates sold out

5. CALL GOOGLE.

This is the best idea. What you want to do is get a phone book and look up Google’s phone number. (You can search the Internet for this, I’m sure, but I’m not sure what website to recommend.) Then, get your phone and call them, ask to speak with the Search Engine Results Manager, then, when he (or she) gets on the phone, offer them fifty bucks to list your site first. (This is just good advice in general, by the way.)

So, there it is! Five easy tips to get your site listed first on Google! If you have any other questions, just hit me up. You can find my site listed first on Google under “Reggie Mantle gave me herpes,” although technically the first result is a WordPress page listing all the websites that used that tag (only me).

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