Ways in Which My Roommate, Eric, Has Cheated at Clue

1. Peeking inside the envelope when other players weren’t looking.

2. Lying and saying that he had neither Col. Mustard, nor the knife, when he most definitely had both.

3. Moving Prof. Plum to the Hall when it was neither his figure nor turn.

4. Inventing new room, the Arboretum, and insisting other players “rule it out” before giving final guess.

5. Claiming a secret passageway transported his figure to a Monopoly board, allowing it to reap huge benefits in hotel construction, thus securing a high-priced attorney for defense.

6. Grabbing the board by its edges and hurling it into the air, and then declaring that, because the game did not reach completion, it must be declared a draw.

7. Requiring “proof beyond a reasonable doubt,” rather than contents of “diminutive and questionable manilla envelope.”

8. Attempting to kill his opponents with a tiny plastic knife.