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Problems I Have With the Board Game Monopoly

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1. Every game lasts for six hours and then suddenly ends when one person bankrupts another person, takes all their stuff, and then owns half the board.

2. I don’t understand why opening a hotel raises the rates: shouldn’t a house cost more money to rent than a hotel?

3. I don’t know where you’re from, but back home in Arkansas, irons are not legally allowed to own real estate. Maybe that’ll change with a Supreme Court decision or something like that, but until then: it’s just not realistic.

4. The police in the world of Monopoly are excessively arbitrary. I’ve known some asshole police, but never one that sent me directly to jail just for landing on his space.

5. The fact that it encourages illegal business practices. The point of Clue is to catch the bad guy, not to murder Mr. Body and get away with it. Honestly, I’d be okay with it if they weren’t so aggressively marketing to children, using cartoon characters like the devious Mr. Monopoly, who you’re supposed to like, I guess, despite him being obviously designed to look like a robber baron.

6. The fact that during every single game I’ve ever played in which someone else had the Park Place/Boardwalk monopoly, I have landed on both of those spaces in a row.

7. “Get out of jail free” cards. They’re making a mockery of the justice system. Instead, the cards should read, “Get out of jail for the price of a hefty campaign contribution.”

8. The guy who claimed he invented it didn’t really invent it.

9. I don’t understand the concept of Go, nor why you get $200 for “passing” it. Is Go a physical place, or a metaphysical concept? Who is giving this money out? Is it the bank? Mr. Monopoly himself? I don’t know: I’ve learned to always be suspicious of a deal that looks too good to be true, and I think that Go is a perfect example. There’s gotta be some catch. I don’t know what it is, but I’m thinking it has something to do with coercing strangers into playing the world’s most boring boardgame.

10. I never win.

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