New Tiger Woods Mistress Announced

with one comment

Tiger Woods is just to the left of this picture, I swear. I'm holding his hand. Trust me.

In light of the news that Tiger Woods may have had as many as 15 mistresses, I felt that it was only appropriate that I made a statement of my own.

I was one of Tiger Woods’s mistresses. Or, I guess, manstress would be the word that I would use, because I’m trying to retain a little bit of my dignity that he stole from me when he lied and said that I was the only one.

“The only one other than your wife?” I had asked at the time, just wanting to be sure.

“The only one.”

“The only other one.”

“That’s correct.”

I felt like we had something together that no one else did. He said that I was the green on his golf course and that me and him would be together forever or at least until he was no longer famous and I dumped him.

Also, I wanted to give an official statement on our sex just like all the other mistresses have done. I want to assure you: it was so crazy, we used to do it on anti-psychotics (Ambien is for losers). As regarding his penis, lemme just say that he used a novelty golf-club cover in the shape of an actual tiger as a condom.

I am wishing him and his family the best of luck with all of this unless he wants to continue sleeping with me, in which case screw his family and also I never said any of this.

[Edit: Unfortunately, as a result of this post, I have lost my Save the Children sponsorship. Fuck them. I never said I was a role model.]


Written by Greg Karber

December 11, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Posted in Ramble

Tagged with ,

One Response

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  1. Chances are that your organizations will be primarily center-aged men.

    Eliseo Lovasz

    January 24, 2011 at 1:06 pm

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