Mistakes to Avoid on Valentine’s Day

with 3 comments

Here at Greg Karber’s iBlogopedia, we’re committed to helping our readers navigate the treacherous waters of romantic life. That’s why we conducted a survey of over six-thousand relationship experts (psychologists, sex addicts, writers for Reader’s Digest, octogenarians celebrating their Golden Anniversary, Dr. Phil and his ilk, priests?, players, playettes, cougars, and serial daters) on what were the biggest mistakes you could make on Valentine’s Day.

1. Forgetting it.

Our experts agree, the biggest mistake you can make on Valentine’s Day is failing to remember it exists. And unlike anniversaries and birthdays, you have no excuse: there are signs up everywhere reminding you. (And unlike Thanksgiving and Easter, it falls on the same day every year.)

2. Massacring People.

When Al Capone ordered the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre to eliminate Bugs Moran, he failed to consider the impact said massacre would have on his relationship. Scholars have reached the general consensus that Capone “didn’t get any” on that day or any of the three subsequent days.

Additionally, our panel of experts has reached a broad consensus (which is two levels above a “general consensus”) that, while massacring people on Valentine’s Day seems like a great attention grabber, killing people doesn’t just kill them, it kills the mood, as well.

3. Buying chocolates that your significant other is allergic to.

Avoid peanuts if your significant other has extreme allergic reactions to peanuts, for example. Also, our panel agrees that giving your significant other poisonous chocolates is almost as bad, but at least you didn’t forget something about them.

4. Purchasing lingerie.

Nobody likes it if you imply that they’re fat. Buying over-sized lingerie tells the person you’re with that you thought they were fatter–even if you have no idea how the sizes work. To make matters worse, if you buy lingerie that’s too small, the person will be reminded of actual, non-presumed fat. This is even worse.

Additionally, purchasing sexy lingerie may be viewed as a present for yourself, while purchasing functional lingerie is just a bad Valentine’s Day present. That is why our six-thousand person team overwhelming recommends that you avoid this trap and just go with chocolates, roses, jewelery, love poems, or roller-rink song dedications.

Alternatively, purchasing sexy lingerie for yourself–especially if it’s uncomfortable–can be considered–paradoxically–to be an excellent gift.

5. Waiting until the last minute to get reservations.

If you wait until one minute before your dinner to get a reservation, you probably won’t be able to. That’s just common sense, people.


3 Responses

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  1. i wrote a love poem and got rejected.


    February 4, 2010 at 2:42 pm

  2. Yeah, maybe “Writing bad love poetry” should have been one of the possible mistakes.

    Well, I’ll get it right next lifetime.

    Greg Karber

    February 4, 2010 at 3:42 pm

  3. […] to Have the Best Valentine’s Ever A few days ago I told you what to avoid. Now, just in time to save your weekend, here is a point-by-point guide on how to have the Best […]

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