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How to Have the Best Valentine’s Day Ever

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Some people love roses, but others are allergic to them and will die if you expose them to the flower's pollen. ALWAYS VERIFY YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS NOT ALLERGIC TO ROSES.

A few days ago I told you what to avoid. Now, just in time to save your weekend, I’m giving you a point-by-point guide on how to have the Best Valentine’s Day of All Time.

Yes, that’s right. In this article, on this blog, I am going to give you the Secrets You Need to give that Special Someone in your Life the time of theirs. Using my patent-pending five-step process, I will guarantee you the Best Valentine’s Day of Your Life.

For only $1*, you’ll get access to my extensive guide to romance and the ways of love, as well as an enormous library of audio-visual content. I have over six-thousand private videos on YouTube, many of which are not iPhone recordings of my dog. You will be given access to these videos. They explain and clarify the Five Basic Principles that will ensure your Valentine’s Day is the BEST YOU’VE EVER HAD.

Step One: Remember that it’s This Sunday.

Studies have repeatedly shown that the number one reason a person fucks up Valentine’s Day is that they forget it’s THIS SUNDAY (2/14 like always), and yet many Valentine’s Guides fail to mention this.

Waking up that morning and rushing to Wal-Mart for whatever scraps have yet to be scavenged from the $1 bin is a bad way to start you Valentine’s Day. (Spend that $1* on my program, instead!)

My videos illustrate and explain time-tested techniques for remembering that it’s This Sunday, including marking it on your calendar, setting an alarm on your iPhone or other PDA, and telling a friend to call you on Saturday to make sure you haven’t forgotten. (And these are just the ones I’m giving away for free!)

Step Two: Make Plans.

This is crucial. Some restaurants don’t allow a reservation. Dot not surprise your significant other by taking them to a restaurant you don’t have a reservation for. If you both decide to go, that’s fine, but your super secret surprise Valentine’s Day plan better not involve waiting for an hour and a half in the lobby of a fancy restaurant. (Who are you, Nixon?)

Either way, have a general idea about what you are going to do.

With your $1*, you’ll have access to all the materials you need to make plans, such as links to websites that will allow you to actually look up the numbers of restaurants by typing them into a text-box. No, not Google. Something else.

Step Three: Be on Time.

Thousands of Otherwise-AwesomeTM Valentine’s Days have been ruined by someone simply showing up at the wrong time. If you agree to take your significant other out at 6:30, don’t show up at 7:22 the next morning. Alternately, if you’ve said that you would pick your significant other up at 7:00 for a movie, don’t show up at 5:00 so that you can make the matinee.

My videos show you a number of great ways to guarantee that you make it there on time, such as showing up early and then waiting a short distance away from the destination (a time-tested technique). Additionally, I’ll give you step-by-step instructions on how to make a good excuse for when you inevitably show up 10 minutes late.

Greeting cards like this one are a key part of the American courtship ritual. Another big part: matching scarves.

Step Four: Get a Card.

I hope you weren’t reading these in order on Valentine’s Day, because prior to showing up on time you should have picked up a greeting card.

Yes, purchasing a greeting card is the ultimate genuflection before the gods of consumerism. No, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. And don’t even suggest a handmade card. Who are you dating, your mom? Unless you plan to spend at least $4.00 worth of time and materials in the production of your card, while still maintaining the high standards of no less than the Hallmark Corporation, that’s a no go. And yes, that means die-cut card-stock quality paper and paying to license Garfield.

Make no mistake: the card is essential. I don’t care if it’s your first date or your fiftieth wedding anniversary. If you don’t get a card, you don’t get a good day.

Inside our Member’s Only website, we’ll give you access to exclusive Hallmark discounts (such as links to our Amazon.com affiliate page), as well as thousands of tips for creating that perfect blend of comedy and sappiness.

Step Five: Think of Something Sweet to Do.

This is the most important part. Whether you write a special note inside the card, or take your significant other to a special place (like the first time you got to any of the bases), or pay-off their impressive collection of  library fees so that they once again are able to make use of that public service, doing something special makes your Valentine’s Day a day to remember vaguely and exaggeratedly for years to come.

Most importantly, make sure your special thing is unique and original. In the Member’s Only section, we have hundreds of unique and original ideas that you can pass off as your own! Your significant other will never realize (unless they’re a part of the website, too–in which case you’ll have a hilarious, Gift-of-the-Magi esque story to tell all of your friends!)!

So sign up now. For readers of this blog post, I’ll deduct fifty cents off the registration price! For only $0.50*, you can have access to our full Member’s Only Gallery for the rest of your life.That’s

FIFTY CENTS*

You won’t find a deal cheaper than this anywhere, and if you do, it’s probably a scam! Don’t delay! This offer expires in twenty seconds!

*Also your credit card will be billed an additional $29,999,999.98 per month until you hire an attorney to sue us. And he better be good, because ours is Matlock. And also we’ve got Perry Mason’s son, Gerry Mason, who’s actually not that good but his name is still intimidating.

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3 Responses

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  1. We are aware that some clients did not know that they were going to be charged a little less than thirty-million dollars, and we’re working to deal with these people on a case by case basis.

    But honestly, I can’t believe people expected to get the quality love advice we give for free.

    Greg Karber

    February 11, 2010 at 3:33 am

  2. Greg Karber you are clearly God’s gift to Valentine’s Day? Where have you been all my life? Actually I usually have pretty good Valentine’s Days because I MAKE everyone I love a card and they LOVE THEM. See said cards at http://www.marlanedesign.blogspot.com/shamelessplug

    Marlane

    February 11, 2010 at 5:54 pm


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