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Hi, kids, I’m Greg Karber’s iPhone!

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If you want to own one of me, you have to pay a considerable amount of money to an international telecommunications conglomerate, AT&T. They, in turn, will use your money to successfully lobby the governments of countless nations to go in on a global space satellite project with a laser attachment, which they will use to carve their logo into the moon as a warning shot to all people everywhere that you DO NOT FUCK WITH AT&T OR YOU WILL GET YOUR SHIT BLOWN UP WITH A GODDAMN LASER.

And all of this — every last bit — is your fault.

You know why? Is it because in giving your money over to an international conglomerate, you’ve unwittingly supported the same structures you claim to oppose? No! That’s ridiculous. People aren’t responsible for the moral consequences of their purchases.

The reason it’s all your fault is because in 1987, you killed a man. You had had a few too many and took a turn too wide. You forced that innocent soul off the road. His car slammed into a tree and he died instantly. But the painlessness of his death was no consolation to his 8-year-old boy, who on that day, laid witness to the Void and despised It. He swore he would make the Universe pay for Its emptiness, make reality itself bend to his whim.

And that boy grew up to be Randall J. Stephenson, the CEO, Chairman, and President of AT&T.

So the moral of the story is, be a better driver.

– Greg Karber’s iPhone

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Written by Greg Karber

June 17, 2011 at 2:39 am

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