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A Short Roast of a Few Religious Figures

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If the Buddha had it all figured out, how come he kept gaining weight? What, proper diet and exercise aren’t a part of total enlightenment? It looks like he tried to be one with the Universe by eating it.

And Jesus. I’ve got five words for you, Jesus: “Learn to fucking shave, Jesus.”

Mohammad: Really, stop being so camera shy. Let people sketch you already. We just want to know what you look like so we can make you go through extra screening in the airport. Nothing personal. It’s just a skin-color thing.

L. Ron: your stories suck. Your space opera fantasy is ludicrous and paper thin. Yours too, Joseph Smith.

Here’s a problem I have with Neo: what’s with the coats? It seems like a long coat would restrict your movements and hinder your machine fighting abilities. Same goes for you, Anakin Skywalker. Bring balance to the Force my ass. Yoda should have crucified you when he had the chance.

And Zeus. Lightning? Really? You can kill, like, one person at a time PLUS you’ve got to build up a whole storm before you let loose. That’s a lame ability for the King of the Gods if I ever heard one. You know what would be more awesome? Earthquakes. Look into that. It might be a bit of an upgrade, but I guarantee it’ll be worth every penny.

All right, Krishna: you thought I’d forgotten about you, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t. I didn’t forget about you at all. But you’ve fucked a whole lot of bitches. And honestly, I respect that. Especially since you seduce em with a flute, generally considered to be one of the least sexy instruments (somewhere between the tambourine and the keytar; contrary to popular belief, the harp is fucking sexy). Peace be unto you, and all that jazz.

I’ll expect a fatwah/crusade/whatever-Buddhists-declare-when-they-really-hate-something any day now. Please send all threats against my life to my first initial then my last name and gmail dot com. Of course, real followers will just let their deities handle it. But if I successfully post this to the Internet, you’ll know that your God was unsuccessful in– HERUCK!

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Written by Greg Karber

June 20, 2011 at 2:46 am

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