The New Rules

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Here are the new rules, ladies and gentlemen. Now, keep in mind: the old rules stay in effect unless they are specifically overruled by the new rules here. We’re not crazy. Many of the old rules — “Don’t run while carrying scissors” — are perfectly okay to stay.

1. No more itchy T-shirt tags. All T-shirt companies are to remove their tags immediately, replacing them with ink printed directly on the T-shirt in order to prevent itchiness. While tagless shirts are currently available, the feature is usually only present in the more expensive brands. It’s time that America woke up and realized that it’s unconscionable for a first-world country to let its poor have itchy necks.

2. Dancing is forbidden. This is not for moral reasons but because this Institution (heretofore referred to as the iBlogopedia) has accepted advertising money from MTV Films and Paramount Pictures to promote their remake of Footloose and this seemed like a great marketing move. Footlose: Now with less Bacon.*

3. Everybody Gets $5! You heard us: everyone. Seniors, blue-collar workers, babies, everyone. Even dead people and fictional characters: the government will cut the checks, and you can do whatever you want with it! People say, “My family is starving. What the fuck am I going to do with $5?” Well, we recommend you spend it on sandwiches (mostly because of the Quizno’s ad money we’re also getting).

4. The word “apple” is now a highly-offensive slang term. It’s so offensive that we’re not able to tell you what it means without violating obscenity and incitement-to-violence laws. We can give you a hint, though: it’s an extremely religious reference to poop sex, hitting the profanity trifecta (excrement, sexuality, religion).

5. Every year, the poorest person in the world and the richest one fight to the death in an electrified cage.

6. We’re getting rid of the number 6. From now on, 7 minus 1 equals 5. 2 times 3 is undefined. We’ll work out the kinks later, but this part is going into effect immediately. Bakers take note: selling a half-dozen of anything is now illegal. This rule takes effect after this list is over.

7. Everybody has a theme song. If you cannot afford to have a theme song written for you, one will be assigned.

8. The optimal strategy to Tic-Tac-Toe will be explained to all children, thereby ending the game and destroying the fun of youth. Here’s what you do: go first, and put your X in the corner. If they go anywhere but the middle, it’s a guaranteed win. If they go in the middle, put your next X in the opposite corner. They can Cat’s Game it by putting an O in a side-square, but for some reason, people like to put their O in the corner, which actually forces you into the final corner, which splits them and wins the game for you. (Have fun crushing your friends, iBlogopedia readers! And if you like that fact, subscribe in the upper right hand corner for lots more!)

*This is not a good thing.

Written by Greg Karber

June 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Posted in Ramble

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