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An Address from the CEO of Poop, Inc. on the Proposed Name Change

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“Listen, I’m a busy man, and that business is our business, the business, Poop, Inc., so when I have to take time out of my busy business schedule to talk — not about business business — but about the business of running a business, that’s less business business that I can get to. That means less productivity, lowered efficiency, and increased marginal cost. That translates to higher costs for our customers, the loyal patrons of Poop, Inc.

“Now, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t hear it: yes, our company’s name does sound — to certain, uncultured ears — irresistibly close to a playground synonym for fecal matter, otherwise known as doo-doo caca. But if we bow to the pressure of the morons, the uneducated, the lowest-common-denominator, then we’ll be no better than those we are trying to appease.

“Look, my great-grandfather, Ernest T. Poop, founded this company before it meant that. In his days, a man was known as a Poop if he professed uncanny financial acumen. That’s one of the reasons he Christened the company Poop, Inc. The other, of course, was that it was his last name and he wanted his name on the sign. Who wouldn’t?

“So, what you’re telling me, is that we need to strip my great-grandfather’s reputation away from him. And replace it with what? What name changes have you so-far suggested? Shitstorm, LTD. That’s pretty good, I’ll admit. It conjures up images of us navigating through a storm to safe harbor. I like it, but it lacks the punch. Jerk-Offs, Unlimited. Yeah, that one’s nice, too: we jerk-off all the obstacles in our way. I’m also a fan of Shark Vagina, though I can’t see what it has to do with our mission statement, which is to deliver quality manure to anyone who wants it. Oh — no, wait — this one is nice. All right, yeah, I can go with this. You guys win, all right? I’ll admit I was wrong.

“From now on, we will be known as Penises-a-Plenty. Jerry, get to work on the sign.”

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Written by Greg Karber

July 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Posted in Breaking News

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