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An Address from the CEO of Poop, Inc. on the Proposed Name Change

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“Listen, I’m a busy man, and that business is our business, the business, Poop, Inc., so when I have to take time out of my busy business schedule to talk — not about business business — but about the business of running a business, that’s less business business that I can get to. That means less productivity, lowered efficiency, and increased marginal cost. That translates to higher costs for our customers, the loyal patrons of Poop, Inc.

“Now, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t hear it: yes, our company’s name does sound — to certain, uncultured ears — irresistibly close to a playground synonym for fecal matter, otherwise known as doo-doo caca. But if we bow to the pressure of the morons, the uneducated, the lowest-common-denominator, then we’ll be no better than those we are trying to appease.

“Look, my great-grandfather, Ernest T. Poop, founded this company before it meant that. In his days, a man was known as a Poop if he professed uncanny financial acumen. That’s one of the reasons he Christened the company Poop, Inc. The other, of course, was that it was his last name and he wanted his name on the sign. Who wouldn’t?

“So, what you’re telling me, is that we need to strip my great-grandfather’s reputation away from him. And replace it with what? What name changes have you so-far suggested? Shitstorm, LTD. That’s pretty good, I’ll admit. It conjures up images of us navigating through a storm to safe harbor. I like it, but it lacks the punch. Jerk-Offs, Unlimited. Yeah, that one’s nice, too: we jerk-off all the obstacles in our way. I’m also a fan of Shark Vagina, though I can’t see what it has to do with our mission statement, which is to deliver quality manure to anyone who wants it. Oh — no, wait — this one is nice. All right, yeah, I can go with this. You guys win, all right? I’ll admit I was wrong.

“From now on, we will be known as Penises-a-Plenty. Jerry, get to work on the sign.”

Written by Greg Karber

July 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Posted in Breaking News

World’s Largest Cupcake Disappoints

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When I heard that someone had baked the world’s largest cupcake in the Mall of America. I imagined an enormous creation, lumbering over the patrons, scaring children, looking like it could come alive at any moment and start devouring human beings, like an enormous ironic monster.

But no, the “world’s largest cupcake” is like a foot tall and two feet wide. Assuming a basic cylindrical shape for the sake of mathematical simplicity, that’s a cylinder with a radius of one foot and a height of one foot.

Volume of a Cylinder: r2πh

And since the radius and the height are both 1, and 12 is 1, the entire volume of the cupcake is π. So that’s like a 3.14 square foot cupcake, which really isn’t even that epic. Considering it’s 150 pounds, that’s like 50 pounds per square foot, which seems to suggest this is a pretty dense cupcake, but nothing worthy of going crazy over.

I mean, there have been cakes larger than this. This is one of those dubious distinctions, like “world’s largest hill,” which accurately translates into “world’s largest mound of dirt too small to be a mountain.” It’s more of a clerical distinction than anything else.

World’s Oldest Man Dies (Again)

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Now, I don’t mean to suggest by that title that the World’s Oldest Man has the feline quality of multiple lives or that he had somehow managed to resurrect himself and then die again, I just mean that, well, this is the second time in two months that the World’s Oldest Man has died.

Henry Allingham, who passed away Saturday at the age of 113, attributed his longevity to “cigarettes, whiskey, and wild, wild women.” I’m not making this up. (If I was making this up, I would have added cheesesteaks and ranch dressing, which is a great illustration of how I’m less funny than real life.)

But he’s only been the World’s Oldest Man for a month. Which makes sense: as a child, when I thought about the World’s Oldest People, for some reason I imagined that they’d held these distinctions for life, but now it’s obvious that there is only a very short window of time during which you can be the World’s Oldest Person, because you were the World’s Second Oldest Person until a few weeks before, when the Oldest One finally keeled over.

The Oldest Living Man is now Walter Breuning, who is 112 years old and an American. (Suck it, Brits!) The Oldest Living Woman (and Overall Champion) is Gertrude Baines, 115-years old and also an American. (Double suck it!)

It should be pointed out that of the Top Ten Oldest Living People, none of them are men. Walter’s only the 15th oldest person ever. Hey, I’m not trying to knock the guy: he’s probably lived longer than I will, but I just want to set the record straight. Anybody who jokes about the WNBA not being serious competition can’t complain when I say that the World’s Oldest Man is a title of questionable merit, especially because of the ambiguity of the word “man,” where some people use it to mean “human beings in general.”

When Walter dies, the World’s Oldest Living Man will be Jiroemon Kimura

When Gertrude dies, the World’s Oldest Living Woman will be Kama Chinen, who doesn’t have a page on Wikipedia, which is where, as always, I got most of my information for this blog. It is, truly, the world’s greatest repository of human knowledge: before Wikipedia, how would I have ever found an up-to-date list of the world’s oldest people?

We are certainly living in exciting times.