Archive for the ‘Ramble’ Category

The Greg Carber Video Show, Episode Dos: “I Need a Pencil!”

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This was seriously one of my biggest stressers in elementary school, moreso even than the crushing peer pressure to smoke cigarettes.

Written by Greg Karber

August 31, 2011 at 3:09 am

Posted in Ramble

The New Rules

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Here are the new rules, ladies and gentlemen. Now, keep in mind: the old rules stay in effect unless they are specifically overruled by the new rules here. We’re not crazy. Many of the old rules — “Don’t run while carrying scissors” — are perfectly okay to stay.

1. No more itchy T-shirt tags. All T-shirt companies are to remove their tags immediately, replacing them with ink printed directly on the T-shirt in order to prevent itchiness. While tagless shirts are currently available, the feature is usually only present in the more expensive brands. It’s time that America woke up and realized that it’s unconscionable for a first-world country to let its poor have itchy necks.

2. Dancing is forbidden. This is not for moral reasons but because this Institution (heretofore referred to as the iBlogopedia) has accepted advertising money from MTV Films and Paramount Pictures to promote their remake of Footloose and this seemed like a great marketing move. Footlose: Now with less Bacon.*

3. Everybody Gets $5! You heard us: everyone. Seniors, blue-collar workers, babies, everyone. Even dead people and fictional characters: the government will cut the checks, and you can do whatever you want with it! People say, “My family is starving. What the fuck am I going to do with $5?” Well, we recommend you spend it on sandwiches (mostly because of the Quizno’s ad money we’re also getting).

4. The word “apple” is now a highly-offensive slang term. It’s so offensive that we’re not able to tell you what it means without violating obscenity and incitement-to-violence laws. We can give you a hint, though: it’s an extremely religious reference to poop sex, hitting the profanity trifecta (excrement, sexuality, religion).

5. Every year, the poorest person in the world and the richest one fight to the death in an electrified cage.

6. We’re getting rid of the number 6. From now on, 7 minus 1 equals 5. 2 times 3 is undefined. We’ll work out the kinks later, but this part is going into effect immediately. Bakers take note: selling a half-dozen of anything is now illegal. This rule takes effect after this list is over.

7. Everybody has a theme song. If you cannot afford to have a theme song written for you, one will be assigned.

8. The optimal strategy to Tic-Tac-Toe will be explained to all children, thereby ending the game and destroying the fun of youth. Here’s what you do: go first, and put your X in the corner. If they go anywhere but the middle, it’s a guaranteed win. If they go in the middle, put your next X in the opposite corner. They can Cat’s Game it by putting an O in a side-square, but for some reason, people like to put their O in the corner, which actually forces you into the final corner, which splits them and wins the game for you. (Have fun crushing your friends, iBlogopedia readers! And if you like that fact, subscribe in the upper right hand corner for lots more!)

*This is not a good thing.

Written by Greg Karber

June 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Posted in Ramble

Balloons for Sale!

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Balloons for sale! Balloons for sale! All different sizes and shapes. Rubber, metallic, paper. I’ve got em all. All sorts of colors. Red, blue, cerise, cerulean, cream. And all different shapes: spheres and obloids and hobloids and tubulars, giraffes and monkeys, and a Luxury Class Ron Paul balloons because that’s an iconic balloon-shape that appeals to a high-income demographic. All lengths of string: we’ve got a fifty-foot length, a ten-foot length, and all rational and irrationally numbered lengths in-between. No complex-numbered lengths, though, because that’s ridiculous. However, complex numbers were used in the development of the Ron Paul balloon, which was a tricky balloon to craft. I don’t want to exaggerate, but we did some really groundbreaking mathematics in the design of those things. Cost a lot of money, too. But like I said: high-income demographic. You see, we got all prices of balloons. Cheap balloons: they go for a nickel a ballon, but they explode randomly and — when they do — they release a mildly toxic poison that’s harmless to you and your children but will give you children’s great-grandchildren Ballsia, which is a disease that causes testicles to grow on the forehead, but who cares about your children’s great-grandchildren? They won’t be born until you’re long dead! Anyway, if you can afford to pay a little more, I can get you a completely safe, FDA-approved non-toxic balloon guaranteed never to explode or release any kind of toxic gas. Balloons for sale!

Written by Greg Karber

June 23, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Three Things I Like About Folding Chairs, and One I Don’t

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1. Collapsibility allows for ease of transportation.

2. Durable, all-weather construction is suitable for both indoor and outdoor needs.

3. If you put your ass in them, they hold you in a sitting position.

4. Aesthetically, they’re not so great.

Written by Greg Karber

June 22, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Posted in Ramble

A Brief Dialogue Between Two Unnamed Supreme Court Justices

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JUSTICE #1: Hey, can you give me the run-down?

JUSTICE #2: Where have you been?

JUSTICE #1: I had to go to lunch with the mistress.

JUSTICE #2: Oh, all right. All right. Here’s how it goes: on the one side, we’ve got the People. Innocent. Caring. Rubes. And on the other side–

JUSTICE #1: I know who it’s between. How much have we been offered?

JUSTICE #2: Well, I’ve been offered a summer estate.

JUSTICE #1: An entire estate?

JUSTICE #2: Well, it’s a time-share. Two weeks every fourteen years. They’re also getting a chauffeur to drive me to get late-night fast food three times over the next couple months. Additionally, I’ve been given a pretty hefty coupon book.

JUSTICE #1: Good deals?

JUSTICE #2: Some of the best. Look at this: 10% off plus a free Large Soda with any purchase exceeding five-hundred dollars.

JUSTICE #1: Not bad. Not bad. Just make sure Thomas doesn’t put any of his pubes on it.

JUSTICE #2: Ha! Good one.

JUSTICE #1: What else?

JUSTICE #2: Now, again, this is just my package. I can’t speak for yours, but I’m also getting a large cubic zirconium ring that I’ll totally be able to pass off to my mistress as real. Plus, I’m getting a full Park Hopper pass to Disneyland. That includes Disneyland and the California Adventure. I really want to go on Soarin‘. I’ve heard great things. Let’s see, what else? Oh, a complete box set of The Lord of the Rings

JUSTICE #1: Extended Edition?

JUSTICE #2: No, it’s a whole new edition! It’s even longer, and way more expensive. It’s nice. Also, they’re going to give me this new breed of dog that never goes to the bathroom and doesn’t need to eat. Some sort of genetic engineering or something. I don’t know how they did it, but I’ve seen them before, and they’re amazing. They don’t smell, either.

JUSTICE #1: Wow. And what are the People offering?

JUSTICE #2: Oh, the usual: A sense of decency, good will, being able to sleep at night.

JUSTICE #1: Well, that’s worth something, too, isn’t it?

[For a moment, they pause; then they erupt into uncontrollable hysterics.]

Written by Greg Karber

June 20, 2011 at 3:11 pm

A Short Roast of a Few Religious Figures

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If the Buddha had it all figured out, how come he kept gaining weight? What, proper diet and exercise aren’t a part of total enlightenment? It looks like he tried to be one with the Universe by eating it.

And Jesus. I’ve got five words for you, Jesus: “Learn to fucking shave, Jesus.”

Mohammad: Really, stop being so camera shy. Let people sketch you already. We just want to know what you look like so we can make you go through extra screening in the airport. Nothing personal. It’s just a skin-color thing.

L. Ron: your stories suck. Your space opera fantasy is ludicrous and paper thin. Yours too, Joseph Smith.

Here’s a problem I have with Neo: what’s with the coats? It seems like a long coat would restrict your movements and hinder your machine fighting abilities. Same goes for you, Anakin Skywalker. Bring balance to the Force my ass. Yoda should have crucified you when he had the chance.

And Zeus. Lightning? Really? You can kill, like, one person at a time PLUS you’ve got to build up a whole storm before you let loose. That’s a lame ability for the King of the Gods if I ever heard one. You know what would be more awesome? Earthquakes. Look into that. It might be a bit of an upgrade, but I guarantee it’ll be worth every penny.

All right, Krishna: you thought I’d forgotten about you, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t. I didn’t forget about you at all. But you’ve fucked a whole lot of bitches. And honestly, I respect that. Especially since you seduce em with a flute, generally considered to be one of the least sexy instruments (somewhere between the tambourine and the keytar; contrary to popular belief, the harp is fucking sexy). Peace be unto you, and all that jazz.

I’ll expect a fatwah/crusade/whatever-Buddhists-declare-when-they-really-hate-something any day now. Please send all threats against my life to my first initial then my last name and gmail dot com. Of course, real followers will just let their deities handle it. But if I successfully post this to the Internet, you’ll know that your God was unsuccessful in– HERUCK!

Written by Greg Karber

June 20, 2011 at 2:46 am

Hi, kids, I’m Greg Karber’s iPhone!

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If you want to own one of me, you have to pay a considerable amount of money to an international telecommunications conglomerate, AT&T. They, in turn, will use your money to successfully lobby the governments of countless nations to go in on a global space satellite project with a laser attachment, which they will use to carve their logo into the moon as a warning shot to all people everywhere that you DO NOT FUCK WITH AT&T OR YOU WILL GET YOUR SHIT BLOWN UP WITH A GODDAMN LASER.

And all of this — every last bit — is your fault.

You know why? Is it because in giving your money over to an international conglomerate, you’ve unwittingly supported the same structures you claim to oppose? No! That’s ridiculous. People aren’t responsible for the moral consequences of their purchases.

The reason it’s all your fault is because in 1987, you killed a man. You had had a few too many and took a turn too wide. You forced that innocent soul off the road. His car slammed into a tree and he died instantly. But the painlessness of his death was no consolation to his 8-year-old boy, who on that day, laid witness to the Void and despised It. He swore he would make the Universe pay for Its emptiness, make reality itself bend to his whim.

And that boy grew up to be Randall J. Stephenson, the CEO, Chairman, and President of AT&T.

So the moral of the story is, be a better driver.

– Greg Karber’s iPhone

Written by Greg Karber

June 17, 2011 at 2:39 am

My Car, Part II.

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My car has the ability to go invisible, but it never needs to.

One day, I was late and the 10 was backed up, and my car was like, “Don’t worry, man. I got this.” And it’s not like it did anything to fix the traffic situation or anything but the AC was nice and I had some tunes on, so it really wasn’t that bad.

My car once competed in a Grand Priz against a thousand other cars, including Speed Racer’s Mach 5 and Vin Diesel’s Whatever Vin Diesel’s Car is Named and my car came in third, which is pretty good considering the competition.

My car has its own PR team that writes hyperbolic assertions about my car’s greatness on a blog in order to drum up some work.

My car once cut off Steven Spielberg’s car. It didn’t even use a turn signal, and later Spielberg’s car called to apologize.

My car has a top speed of a billion miles per hour but who would ever need to go that fast?

My car burns so much rubber, I was arrested for starting an illegal tire fire. I went to court about it, alleging that the law prohibiting unpermited tire fires certainly wasn’t intended to cover accidental tire fires caused as a result of locomotive action. The judge sympathized with this argument, but ultimately ruled that anything causing the death of six children (when the tire fire spread to a nearby orphanage) could not possible go unpunished in a civilized society, and I was sentenced to ten years in a maximum security prison. Fortunately, my car managed to break out of the impound lot and bust me out of jail by sneaking in wearing an old-lady wig and giving me a cake with a Glock inside. I shot my way out and disappeared, changing my name and adopting the guise of a student living in Los Angeles. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.

My Car.

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My car is awesome.

My car is bigger than your car. If you see me getting into your lane, you’re going to move out of the way. Because my car is awesome, and your car is lame and stupid.

My car costs $1,200 to refill. It’s worth it.

I have my car rigged to belch more smoke than is necessary. I pass LA Smog Tests by copying answers off the car in front of me.

I have a human female sex toy that I put in the passenger seat of my car. It is for the car-pool lane, not intercourse. It has never been used and still has the seal over the vagina. It does not have the seal over the mouth, because then people would be able to tell that it is a human female sex toy and not an actual passenger. But rest assured, it has never been used orally, either.

My car can fly. I have flown all over the world, and have never seen a more awesome car.

Written by Greg Karber

June 14, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Posted in Ramble

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Five More Reasons America Should Blow Up the Moon

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1. Because I hate any animal that lives in a tide-pool.

2. No more moon: no more werewolves.

3. So that Michael Bay can make a movie about it.

4. Because it just feels right.

5. To support the troops.

Written by Greg Karber

June 13, 2011 at 2:46 am