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A Short Roast of a Few Religious Figures

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If the Buddha had it all figured out, how come he kept gaining weight? What, proper diet and exercise aren’t a part of total enlightenment? It looks like he tried to be one with the Universe by eating it.

And Jesus. I’ve got five words for you, Jesus: “Learn to fucking shave, Jesus.”

Mohammad: Really, stop being so camera shy. Let people sketch you already. We just want to know what you look like so we can make you go through extra screening in the airport. Nothing personal. It’s just a skin-color thing.

L. Ron: your stories suck. Your space opera fantasy is ludicrous and paper thin. Yours too, Joseph Smith.

Here’s a problem I have with Neo: what’s with the coats? It seems like a long coat would restrict your movements and hinder your machine fighting abilities. Same goes for you, Anakin Skywalker. Bring balance to the Force my ass. Yoda should have crucified you when he had the chance.

And Zeus. Lightning? Really? You can kill, like, one person at a time PLUS you’ve got to build up a whole storm before you let loose. That’s a lame ability for the King of the Gods if I ever heard one. You know what would be more awesome? Earthquakes. Look into that. It might be a bit of an upgrade, but I guarantee it’ll be worth every penny.

All right, Krishna: you thought I’d forgotten about you, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t. I didn’t forget about you at all. But you’ve fucked a whole lot of bitches. And honestly, I respect that. Especially since you seduce em with a flute, generally considered to be one of the least sexy instruments (somewhere between the tambourine and the keytar; contrary to popular belief, the harp is fucking sexy). Peace be unto you, and all that jazz.

I’ll expect a fatwah/crusade/whatever-Buddhists-declare-when-they-really-hate-something any day now. Please send all threats against my life to my first initial then my last name and gmail dot com. Of course, real followers will just let their deities handle it. But if I successfully post this to the Internet, you’ll know that your God was unsuccessful in– HERUCK!

Written by Greg Karber

June 20, 2011 at 2:46 am

Hi, kids, I’m Greg Karber’s iPhone!

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If you want to own one of me, you have to pay a considerable amount of money to an international telecommunications conglomerate, AT&T. They, in turn, will use your money to successfully lobby the governments of countless nations to go in on a global space satellite project with a laser attachment, which they will use to carve their logo into the moon as a warning shot to all people everywhere that you DO NOT FUCK WITH AT&T OR YOU WILL GET YOUR SHIT BLOWN UP WITH A GODDAMN LASER.

And all of this — every last bit — is your fault.

You know why? Is it because in giving your money over to an international conglomerate, you’ve unwittingly supported the same structures you claim to oppose? No! That’s ridiculous. People aren’t responsible for the moral consequences of their purchases.

The reason it’s all your fault is because in 1987, you killed a man. You had had a few too many and took a turn too wide. You forced that innocent soul off the road. His car slammed into a tree and he died instantly. But the painlessness of his death was no consolation to his 8-year-old boy, who on that day, laid witness to the Void and despised It. He swore he would make the Universe pay for Its emptiness, make reality itself bend to his whim.

And that boy grew up to be Randall J. Stephenson, the CEO, Chairman, and President of AT&T.

So the moral of the story is, be a better driver.

– Greg Karber’s iPhone

Written by Greg Karber

June 17, 2011 at 2:39 am

My Car, Part II.

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My car has the ability to go invisible, but it never needs to.

One day, I was late and the 10 was backed up, and my car was like, “Don’t worry, man. I got this.” And it’s not like it did anything to fix the traffic situation or anything but the AC was nice and I had some tunes on, so it really wasn’t that bad.

My car once competed in a Grand Priz against a thousand other cars, including Speed Racer’s Mach 5 and Vin Diesel’s Whatever Vin Diesel’s Car is Named and my car came in third, which is pretty good considering the competition.

My car has its own PR team that writes hyperbolic assertions about my car’s greatness on a blog in order to drum up some work.

My car once cut off Steven Spielberg’s car. It didn’t even use a turn signal, and later Spielberg’s car called to apologize.

My car has a top speed of a billion miles per hour but who would ever need to go that fast?

My car burns so much rubber, I was arrested for starting an illegal tire fire. I went to court about it, alleging that the law prohibiting unpermited tire fires certainly wasn’t intended to cover accidental tire fires caused as a result of locomotive action. The judge sympathized with this argument, but ultimately ruled that anything causing the death of six children (when the tire fire spread to a nearby orphanage) could not possible go unpunished in a civilized society, and I was sentenced to ten years in a maximum security prison. Fortunately, my car managed to break out of the impound lot and bust me out of jail by sneaking in wearing an old-lady wig and giving me a cake with a Glock inside. I shot my way out and disappeared, changing my name and adopting the guise of a student living in Los Angeles. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this.

My Car.

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My car is awesome.

My car is bigger than your car. If you see me getting into your lane, you’re going to move out of the way. Because my car is awesome, and your car is lame and stupid.

My car costs $1,200 to refill. It’s worth it.

I have my car rigged to belch more smoke than is necessary. I pass LA Smog Tests by copying answers off the car in front of me.

I have a human female sex toy that I put in the passenger seat of my car. It is for the car-pool lane, not intercourse. It has never been used and still has the seal over the vagina. It does not have the seal over the mouth, because then people would be able to tell that it is a human female sex toy and not an actual passenger. But rest assured, it has never been used orally, either.

My car can fly. I have flown all over the world, and have never seen a more awesome car.

Written by Greg Karber

June 14, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Posted in Ramble

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Five More Reasons America Should Blow Up the Moon

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1. Because I hate any animal that lives in a tide-pool.

2. No more moon: no more werewolves.

3. So that Michael Bay can make a movie about it.

4. Because it just feels right.

5. To support the troops.

Written by Greg Karber

June 13, 2011 at 2:46 am

Five Reasons America Should Blow Up the Moon

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1. To give us an unobstructed view of space.

2. Because Neil Armstrong is a douche bag.

3. To show the Chinese we’ve still got it.

4. Atomic explosions look really cool.

5. In the words of mountaineer George Mallory, when asked why he chose to climb Mount Everest: “Because it’s there.”

Written by Greg Karber

June 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Cats and Dogs.

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Here is something I don’t understand: why do people describe themselves as “dog people” or “cat people.” Everybody acts like these two groups are polar opposites — opposed in every way. But dogs and cats are both small, furry animals that enjoy being petted and can live in your home or back yard. What the fuck? That’s the exact same.

This is why I don’t understand people who don’t understand Israel and Palestine. People are so upset that these two groups of people can’t get along: they live in the desert, they worship an invisible sky guy, and they advocate peace plus explosives. That’s the same! Why can’t they get along? Well, cats and dogs.

That’s the problem with teams. Once you’re on a team, you have to root for your team and despise every other team. If a guy on their team is a doucehbag, he’s a douchebag. But if a guy on your team is a douchebag, he’s awesome. And that sucks. I have a universal no-douchebag policy except in cases of vaginal infection.

Written by Greg Karber

June 12, 2011 at 1:29 am

Genghis Khan and Me

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Sometimes, when I perform stand-up comedy, I get incredibly nervous.

But you know who else got performance anxiety? Genghis Khan.

That’s right, the notorious pillager, raper, and all-around warlord would get incredibly worked up before a big battle. He’d have butterflies in his stomach. He would pace. Sometimes he would forget his material (AKA his armor) or flub his punchlines (the areas around him where he could easily swing his fist).

So, whenever I get nervous, I just think: Genghis Khan felt this, too. And I get on my elephant, and I ride over the Alps of a Difficult Nightclub Audience. Metaphorically, of course.

EDIT: It occurs to me that it was Hannibal, not Khan, who notoriously rode over the Alps. So I guess I’m fucked.

The Top 5 Most Ridiculous Neil Diamond Covers

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Neil Diamond has a unique style. To prove how unique his style is, he sometimes sets his sights on a song totally unlike anything he’s ever performed and then makes it submit to his Diamond-studded glory. Here are the five noblest attempts.

5. Rocket Man, by Elton John

Neil must have been tripping on acid when he covered Elton John’s Rocketman, giving the most ridiculous half-spoken version of the song since William Shatner. Also, he changes “wife” to “lady,” just so we all know the Diamond is still on the market.

4. God Only Knows, by The Beach Boys

The Beach Boys’ harmony-filled song gets the Diamond Makeover, where he sings it slower and so. much. more. sincerely. If by “sincere,” you mean melodramatically self-indulgent.

3. The Chanukah Song, by Adam Sandler

Neil Diamond has been called “the Jewish Elvis,” though I don’t know by whom. Still, when it came time to do a Christmas album, he knew he had to include a schout-out. So he turned to Adam Sandler. The comedian’s list of famous Jews is a great novelty track, and when Neil Diamond performs it, you know those eight days of lights are all coming from his overly sequined shirts.

He also includes the “drink your gin and tonic-a” line, but changes Sandler’s “smoke your marijuana-ca” to “don’t smoke marijuana-ca,” because Neil Diamond is a drunk who wants to help the kids.

2. Don’t Turn Around, by Diane Warren and Albert Hammond

Written by Diane Warren and Albert Hammond and originally recorded by Tina Turner, “Don’t Turn Around” found its greatest success with a minor-key reggae version sung by Ace of Base. However, two years earlier, Neil put his own spin on the track.

1. I Dreamed a Dream, from Les Miserables

Pedants might argue who played the best Fantine — Elaine Paige the usual front-runner, but nobody gets close to the dramatic majesty of the Diamond.  By changing the last line from “But life has killed the dream I dreamed” to “But life can’t kill the dream I dreamed,” Neil turns a song of utter misery into one of awesome hope.

Written by Greg Karber

May 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Nine Keanu Reeves Facts and One Keanu Reeves Lie

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See if you can spot the fib!

1. He took a 90% pay cut on his salary for The Replacements so Gene Hackman could be cast.

2. Keanu has an abdominal scar from a motorcycle wreck in Topanga Canyon. Apparently, he was driving around at night with no headlights in what’s called a “demon ride,” when he crashed into the side of a mountain.

3. He played a former quarterback from Ohio State University in two movies: Point Break and The Replacements.

4. He is afraid of the dark.

5. He has a dual American/Canadian citizenship.

6. Because of his points-participation in The Matrix sequels ($20 million + 15% of gross), Keanu Reeves is the highest paid actor of all time.

7. He was briefly considered for the role of Superman, which would have created an amusing coincidence in the similarity of his name with Christopher Reeve and George Reeves.

8. He is immortal, and will never age.

9. His performance in the title role of Hamlet was praised by Roger Lewis at the Sunday Times, who called Keanu “one of the top three Hamlets I have seen, for a simple reason: he is Hamlet.”

10. He is a hundred feet tall, and has to be digitally shrunk to appear on screen with normal-sized actors.

Written by Greg Karber

June 4, 2010 at 11:07 am

Posted in Ramble